


A Flame Kindled Among the Ash

by Varynova



Series: I Was A Teenage Psychopomp!: Tales of Irreconcilable Fates [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coming Out, Earth C (Homestuck), Excessively Detailed Descriptions of Clothing, F/F, Gen, M/M, Not An AU But There's A Beach Party Anyway, Not Epilogue Compliant, Other, Post-Canon, References to Real-Life Transphobia, Suicide mention, Trans Character, Trans John Egbert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 07:50:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19437094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Varynova/pseuds/Varynova
Summary: As always, the most important events of June Egbert's life fall on her birthdays. On her 19th, however, she decides that more than wellwishing might be called for.Written for Gamblignant8'sJune Egbert Jam.





	1. THE FIRST DAY OF JUNE.

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE: in this timeline everybody's already cool with Callie and Davepetasprite using they/them, and Roxy using he/him, pronouns, despite this story not being canon with the epilogues. Don't worry about it.

There’s a sharp rap at my balcony and the breeze slides the glass door open. Entering my apartment, a backlit body interrupts the light of the sunset, so I set aside my ritual cup of crepuscular earl grey. Prescience, which once made me so softly smug, still lends me the ability to engage in theater of this sort when it benefits the comfort of my friends. Picture:  
I, Rose Lalonde, am seated in my overstuffed armchair and enjoying the evening light. My sight has granted me knowledge of the result of our conversation, and its beginning, but thankfully its specifics are mine to discover. I think it is best-- for reasons you will surely find momentarily apparent-- if I withhold, for now, exactly what I know about this person's name and the pronouns most apropos with which to refer to them. (If you will forbear a grammarian's indiscretion, 'they' and 'them' will have to suffice for the time being, until they decide to share more.)

is anybody home?

The door clicks shut. Our eyes meet as they turn around, great blue windsock twirling at their back, and I smile a practiced, serene smile. I'm met with, after a moment, a relieved-seeming breath and toothy reciprocated grin. And the pause tells me everything I need to know about the purpose for their visit.

oh! rose! perfect.  
just who I hoped to.. bump into.  
ROSE: Well, in that case my home is an ideal place to find me.  
haha, yeah  
i was hoping to ask about something that's been bothering me lately but i figured you wouldn't mind if i just... dropped in!  
i guess it is a little late...  
but it's not the sort of thing i'd like to talk about over the phone?

Their hands clasp behind their back as they arch onto their tiptoes. I beckon with my fingers, to bid them not stand on formality in my archway.

ROSE: Come inside! How was your birthday? I had a feeling you might stop by.

They waft over to my couch, then recumb slowly as if willing their body to release a muscle that's been flexed past comfort for too long. The distinct, crisp scent of cut grass exudes from their clothing.

ROSE: Were you... laying in your front yard again?

I make a note to clean my couch, but try to put it-- and the shoeprints-- out of my mind.

well, yeah.... after the party, jade stuck around, and we chatted for a while outside, and i think i really stressed her out!  
ROSE: C'mon, it couldn't have been that bad. She's lived with Karkat and Dave for the past year, so is used to at the very least--

A startled laugh emits from my interlocutor, and I quiet myself and enjoy a sip of tea. Lavender, bergamot, and cream swirl through my palate. I'm not Dirk, so I can't hear the gears turning. But I would be lying if I said I didn't try to fill in the gaps. However, I confess to being caught off guard by what they blurt out next, face sullen and eyes wide.

i told her that i wanted to die.

I set my cup down, slowly, carefully, trying to steady the hint of tremulousness I could feel sinking from my medulla and boiling up from the base of my tailbone.

ROSE: I don't mean to impugn your judgment, J--

I have to stop myself from saying their name, the old one. Any other referent would certainly be rude, and yet, there's a hitch in my brain, some extant needle outside of my perception that suddenly pricks against the word, and I've learned to heed those after years of subconscious thorns. Thankfully, they interrupt me, hands rubbing contritely atop the blue windy icon at their chest.

i think... i think i meant it?  
just for that moment, really! maybe i just shouldn't have even said it, i've never even had that thought before! heck, it scares the SHIT out of me!! but i'm worried i really scared her, too.  
ROSE: Is it wrong that she would be worried? She loves you; she is your sister, after all, and despite all the dismal circumstances that have drawn distance between you two-- between all of us, over the years-- I know she'd move the literal heavens to ensure no harm came to you, emotionally or otherwise.  
that's the thing. i know she would, but that's... why i told her, maybe. i needed her to listen, and she did, she really did.  
she hugged me, and we talked.  
ROSE: About what made you feel that way?  
about my birthday party, actually. she came over with dave and karkat, and said they were happy to have a quiet evening, and i believed it.  
there was cake, and a few silly games, and a movie, but when they...  
when they sang to me, i kinda freaked?  
ROSE: Sang... Happy Birthday.  
yeah.  
ROSE: And why was that?

I watch their brow contort as their gaze tracks across my ceiling. A momentary grimace. Their ragged speech quickens.

i always have, i think. paniced, at the singing. even when it's just people i'm close to.  
i used to think it was just spending birthdays with only my goofy dad, then being sad because he wasn't around any longer.  
but i don't think it's that, anymore...

Their voice breaks. For their father? No. They press on, desperate to connect the thought.

is it weird that i don't like when they... say your name, at the end?  
it ties my stomach in knots just knowing it's coming.

ROSE: Can't say I'm familiar with that particular anxiety, no.  
ROSE: Perhaps most aren't afraid to hear their own names.

They roll away from me, then. It sounds almost like a stomach gurgling, but after a few uncertain moments, I rise. My friend is sobbing, tears streaming between halting, strained heaves for air. Were I in a more detached mindset, I would view it as a particularly cruel metaphor for their distress, but as I am I drop to my knees in the carpeting, arms meeting their shoulder and hip. When they continue, it's only choked between gasps.

i, i, i, just can't take it, i don't know what i'll do if i ever hear it again, if i have to listen to that godawful song again.

Despite myself, I laugh, even while I swallow a singular tear of my own.

ROSE: It IS a godawful song, to be sure, truly an affront to both taste and dignity in public restaurants. It should be outlawed. But it's not worth your life.

But they sob-laugh along with me, hands turning back towards me to rest at my midriff in a halfassed hug. It'll do.

you knew, didn't you? that i'd be coming here.  
ROSE: Yes. Very little is obscured from me, these days, especially moments of burning need from my closest companions.  
so you know what i'm going to say.

I shake my head, then. I'm thankful for the gaps; the casting of bones could never compare to the beauty of a spontaneous gesture.

ROSE: I knew that you would seek me out.

I can infer it, from tidbits; at least, the fleeting wonder had crept into the edges of my vision, less from prophecy and more from a mere trail of evidence. From the ways their fingers stroke the noncommital mop of hair they've grown in over the last few months, despite benign ribbing from Jade's irony-poisoned ex-roommates; despite a few innocuous-but-surmounting questions about how Paradox Space determined group compositions and whether Typheus was a guardian strictly reserved for 'male' players.

ROSE: And I know how the evening ends. But the words can sometimes be... obscured.

I know how impolite it is to suspect, so I put it from my mind.

ROSE: Still, I can't say it for you.  
i said it to jade once i finally realized it, how i want everybody to use 'she' and 'her' for me now-- and she did, and she called me her sister, and she hugged me and said she'd always love me, a-and...

She rolls her body towards me, elbows pinned to her sides and snot running across her cheek with abandon. She looks like a chipmunk that's been struck with an arrow, but as she embraces me I find myself smiling a most indignified and grandiose grin.

i think i'm a girl

She buries her face in my stomach, tears-- of joy, now, thankfully-- warm against my skin through two layers of a dress and sash. I wrap her in my arms.

i think i have to be, and i want everybody to say it, and i want to hear them say the right name  
and i think i've wanted this for a long fucking time.

And I take a deep breath. She inhales with me, despite her cheeks glowing with the same intense red as the evening light outside.  
But now she can't stop laughing, palms covering blue irises. Flexing my knees, I drop to sit on the floor.

how did it come to this?? how it is that even two days ago, this feeling was just this weird itch in the back of my head, when i noticed baggy clothing that wouldn't fit right or the way that BLINKING made me feel like I've never been doing it right for people to see.....  
and now...

ROSE: And now, you've told yourself, and you've told Jade, and you've told me.  
ROSE: Thank you.  
ROSE: On behalf of all three of us.

She fingercombs at her scalp and bunches the lengths at the nape of her neck in alternating hands.

no, thank you!! i might not have ever quite figured it out, except that...  
a couple years ago, back in the game, i overheard you say something really funny, and it... it's kind of stuck with me ever since? you said:

She sits up, balled fists held proper atop her knees, to best summon an imitation of me.

'I seriously have the DUMBEST arc anyone could conceivably imagine.' and when you said that, you were looking into the eyes of your silly cat sprite clone, the one who you said would never help any of us! but...  
she made roxy so happy!!  
and complimented callie's appearance...  
and even gave us Davepeta sprite! and they're great!  
so even though we don't have, you know, 'arcs'... i had to wonder  
when you rolled on the floor, and laughed at her existence, did it really sound so bad?  
and ever since i've thought, that maybe i almost felt like it was this perfect extension of the way i felt then, that despite knowing that everybody else got to have these great gender revelations primed by this ridiculous cat-you, and got to have their own great 'arcs' because of it, why not me?

I sigh, and shake my head. The floor looks eminently inviting, because certainly she's correct; even for my youth, I did not need to claim that somehow Jasprosesprite was useless because my naiveté demanded some kind of personal literary trajectory rather than, say, natural human growth.

ROSE: It's true, while she may have been, ultimately, a moribund and mortifying reflection of some unfettered alternatives of mine, I suppose it's possible she sparked--  
sorry, i don't want you to feel embarrassed by that! but i bring it up just because... even though i didn't even realize this at the time, and it's probably bullshit anyway...  
i just knew i wanted what they had, but somehow i never put together exactly where that would leave me.  
what it would mean for me.

Lazily I roll my neck upward again, and draw to my feet. My aspect may not be kind-- dark corners abhor the light for a reason-- but sometimes illumination is called for.

ROSE: So, where does that leave you? Miss...?

She shifts her excited hips.

i think it's time that i learn all of those little flairs this windy gal has yet to experience!  
so, i think  
JUNE: my name is june! and i have a LOT to do, suddenly!  
JUNE: i've gotta hem these silly pajamas, and i want you to teach me how to braid hair, and--

She floats off the couch, gimballing and gyring above my glasstop coffee table for a moment before kicking her legs in unbridled glee. Her whole glorious mass of hair flows with gravity from her head, shaggy and unkempt.

* * *

Three hours later, we're still awake, facing each other from opposite ends of the couch, our beverages switched to cocoa.

ROSE: The last time it was sung to me, it was in private; and by a composed and genteel seamstress and vampiress, with whom I came home after another strenuous day in the caverns. She replaced the word in question with 'Wi-Fey,' and I laughed, took her in my arms, and rubbed my nose to hers as we tumbled together onto the bed.  
ROSE: Suffice to say, it's never bothered me.  
JUNE: oh my god!!! so it IS just me!

She's painted her nails with some old supplies I had in a closet someplace, a shimmering shade of emerald green that somehow evaded the merging of my cosmetics with those of my wife. Kanaya has since arrived home, and gone to bed in the next room, but given her propensity to sleep like the, erm, dead, June and I may proceed without so much as a conspiratorial whisper.

JUNE: Still, though... do you think i would look good with long hair? i never got to go through poorly thought out phases with my hair, to try bangs or anything else.

She reminds me-- unintentionally, I'm certain-- that my own are due for a trim. Thankfully I've been keeping them sideswept for a while, now, so the effect is likely unnoticeable.

ROSE: I think long hair would be a great choice for you. Just make sure to grow it out evenly and keep it trimmed, and you'll be fine.  
ROSE: I'll have you know I never got to have a phase of cutting my own bangs, though; despite her inscrutable inebriation, my mother was quite adroit with a stylist's scissors.  
ROSE: I was speaking seriously, however. I'll happily help with anything else you might want to try, and you said you were reaching out to Jade for...?

But she averts her eyes, picking out a maxi-marshmallow with careful, slightly-smudged fingertips and popping it into her mouth for a thoughtful gnawing.

JUNE: jade says she can't do it. i did ask, when she said i could have anything i wanted for my birthday, but it sounds like even the alternian tech can't quite do it.  
ROSE: I'm sorry. I'm sure that, maybe Jane--

She waves me off, wincing.

JUNE: don't worry about it. you don't have to explain this stuff to me, you know?  
JUNE: i've read enough to know what my next steps are.

I grit my teeth for a cautious exhalation and draw my knees up to my chest.

JUNE: all those years ago... when you would message me, late at night, and i said i was coding?  
ROSE: Yes?  
JUNE: most of the time i wasn't coding.  
ROSE: Sensible enough, in retrospect.  
JUNE: i was... i don't know, i guess just googling some really weird questions, or at least they don't seem so weird anymore.  
JUNE: eventually, every time, no matter how hard i would tell myself to focus on programming or something, i would just start to...  
JUNE: meander? and read anything i could, until i would come across these scary words, like 'thrombosis' or 'ketoacidosis' or 'breast-bud fusion'. and even now they keep coming up in my head! i don't even know how i still have them rattling around up there.  
ROSE: The dire sorts of words that get seared into a thirteen-year-old's subconscious as to why she can't have the thing she wants so all-consumingly, sure.

The sorts of words that stick in place in lieu of the ones that could make the most sense, that scream their truth unavoidable.

JUNE: and even after we entered the game, i actually DID try to...  
JUNE: i saw what dave did, when he printed out a copy of his own brain for ironic purposes.  
JUNE: i hoped against hope, as we discovered so many little tidbits and weird currencies that one of them would be...  
JUNE: i don't know  
JUNE: progesterone grist, or...

We share an unguarded laugh. Her shoulders twinge, as though she weren't the most prominent draught in the room. It runs up her spine, and she rises, face tense with nervous energy. She sets down her mug on a counter. Planting both sneakers in the soft carpeting, she grasps at nothing with both hands.

JUNE: i always hoped i'd be able to just... print her out, y'know?  
JUNE: recombine my better self, with a little bit of the ol' egbert slight-of-hand and just

She sighs, eyes dropping to the floor.

JUNE: everybody would just get it. i hope they CAN get it, even if i end up doing it the old fashioned way.

Slugging the last unmixed dregs of milk and chocopowder, I clank my mug next to hers and sidle up alongside her, giving a hug of reassurance around the waist.

ROSE: She's not your 'better self'. She's merely you, the person you are, have always been.  
ROSE: There's no question of 'getting it'. I'll be right next to you the whole time, as will Kanaya, and Jade too.

JUNE: oh, yeah.  
JUNE: think she'd make me a new outfit, if i asked?  
JUNE: or at least help me take this one in around the waist, and the legs, or something.  
JUNE: she looked pretty tired when she came in, so i didn't want to do anything more complex than reintroduce myself.  
ROSE: She would, in a heartb-- yes. I'll ask her tomorrow to be in touch.  
JUNE: thank you, rose. i really appreciate everything.  
ROSE: I'm so glad for you. Thrive, June Egbert, and tell the world unafraid.

She draws me into a grateful embrace. In that moment, we breathe together, and I feel her chest rise with a new, unpent zephyr, totally unlike anything I've experienced from her before. And I know she'll be alright.


	2. the pants are coming OFF!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Incredulity and consternation abound when June makes an unassuming-sounding request.

KANAYA: Without A Doubt She Is Aware Of What She Asks For...

Your wife is seated atop your lap, gazing into your eyes, on a bench in a park near your Troll Kingdom respiteblock. Her broad, black skirt billows over you, chastely separating your legs from her hips as her arms drape around your own. You have learned, through a great deal of patient attention, the way to guarantee private daylight conversations: no troll will interrupt two primordial goddesses on a lunch date, if they have sufficiently clear body language. The kissing is merely a perk of the situation, Rose has assured you. Today, her lips taste curiously of mint, despite a lunch of vegetable bánh mi and a troll espresso-tea beverage referred to as a 'frosted fenestration'.

Rose tuts.

ROSE: Recall that this is still June, however. She is admirably capable of hanging to her impulsive decisions, and states her discomforts openly when asked, but she may not always have the best barometer of her own attitude.  
ROSE: If you'll pardon the metaphor.  
KANAYA: You Did Not Even Refer To Her As Mercurial  
KANAYA: You Can Be Forgiven Any Lesser Punnish Indiscretion  
KANAYA: But What You Are Saying Is  
KANAYA: Perhaps We Should Dissuade Her From What She Believes She Wants  
ROSE: No! No, I'd hate to have to wrangle her like that...  
ROSE: Likewise, recall that the best way to get her to do something is to try to argue her out of it.  
KANAYA: But You Do Think The Outfit Is  
KANAYA: Too Skimpy

The blonde woman straddling you sucks air through her teeth.

ROSE: You did design it to her every specification. I saw what her terms were, she was surprisingly exacting.  
KANAYA: Perhaps This Is That Impulsiveness Of Which You Spoke However  
KANAYA: Her Stipulations Were So Rapidfire I Was Grateful For Your Assistance Noting Them Down  
ROSE: Well, she took to those first couple dresses so well I had to watch your collaborative process in action.  
ROSE: I'm glad she's taking this all in such stride, but do you really think she's ready for a bathing suit this early?  
KANAYA: That Is Not My Determination To Make  
ROSE: That's your way of saying no.  
KANAYA: I Simply Think  
KANAYA: That Maybe She Has Not Thought Through A Totality Of The Implications Of Such A Garment  
KANAYA: Valid Though Her Desire For It Certainly Is  
ROSE: Yes, well.  
ROSE: Perhaps we've been too wrapped up with each other, and just aren't giving her enough credit.  
ROSE: and I love you, Kanaya...  
KANAYA: I Sense A But There

Rose laughs.

ROSE: Sorry, that's mine.

She shifts her tuchus, sliding onto the bench next to you with her knees across your lap. You gently reposition your sunglasses, which were knocked aside somewhere in the process.

At just that moment-- thankfully no sooner, if Rose's sudden blush is anything to go by-- Dave touches down gracefully a ways away from your bench, Karkat cradled in his arms like a profanity-spewing infant. One knight sets the other down, and gives him the gentlest pat on the fanny with the clear intent to embarrass him. Karkat just growls incoherently, massaging a shoulder, and stumbles towards you.

KARKAT: I SWEAR TO FUCK DAVE IF I COULD FLY YOU'D BE THE FIRST ONE I WOULD HAND-DELIVER TO THE TEMPESTUOUS BOSOM OF THE *FUCKING SUN*.  
KARKAT: WHAT IS THAT WORD YOUVE BECOME SO INFATUATED WITH LATELY? '''YEETING'''?  
KARKAT: I WOULD WITHOUT A DOUBT 'YEET' YOUR ASS SO HARD INTO THE NOURISHING BEAMS OF OUR MOTHER STAR THAT JADE WOULD BE REQUIRED TO NAME A NEW PHYSICS TERM AFTER YOU.  
KARKAT: THE 'DAVE'S ASS' AS SOME NEW KIND OF FASTER-THAN-LIGHT UNIT OF SPEED MEASUREMENT.  
DAVE: love you too buddy  
DAVE: hey kanaya  
DAVE: hey sis  
DAVE: thanks for dragging us out of the house before noon whats up

You share a glance with your beloved wife, who has assumed the angelic, closed-mouth smile you already associate with trying to parse the newfound acknowledgement with which Dave treats his beau in public.

ROSE: Dave! My darling brother, with whom I have been meaning to have a sensible, pragmatic conversation as of late.  
ROSE: But which has been tragically forestalled by the severity and frequency with which recently you and your boyfriend have...  
ROSE: Gone Ecchi.

She looks at Karkat, lagging behind Dave and still rubbing his posterior.  
The light glints off Dave's shades.

DAVE: yeah weve been busy alright  
DAVE: though for sure part of that is one particular assgoblin discovering anime  
DAVE: then as a result deciding its necessary he never go outside again  
DAVE: despite the objective fact that sunlight no longer scorches his skin like the most dope album of 2004  
KARKAT: YOU CAN NEVER BE *SURE*.

You gaze up into the sunlight.

KANAYA: As Usual  
KANAYA: Karkat Has The Appearance Of One Whose Grubloaf-Contained Foodstuffs Were Replaced With Fecal Matter  
KANAYA: And He Is As A Result Remarkably Agitated

He grouses predictably. Dave loops an arm around his shoulders and the nub-horned malcontent leans in, arms still crossed but snarl pacified.

DAVE: so whats this particular feelings jam about  
DAVE: it sounded from your text like you needed my opinion about something  
DAVE: but like in that rose way where you were just gonna do whatever you wanted anyway and just wanted to see me  
ROSE: Well, I was hoping we would have Jade available to speak on this more directly, but she turned down my lunch invite yesterday saying she had a great deal of planting work to get done today.  
ROSE: I was just hoping we could discourse about certain...  
ROSE: Recent developments.  
DAVE: really rose just say it  
DAVE: junes finally come out to everybody but youre afraid shes going to get into some hinky shit you dont approve of  
ROSE: Never! I consider myself capable in the utmost to deal with her issues with nuance and empathy.

Your sweetheart's eyes fall on you, and you prompt her.

KANAYA: But  
ROSE: But... we merely wanted to process our surprise at the... haste... with which she has taken to a number of feminine signifiers...  
ROSE: that she may not fully comprehend yet.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: rose are you saying we should be worried that like  
DAVE: she likes dresses?  
DAVE: why the hell would that be a problem  
KANAYA: I Think Perhaps You Underestimate The Degree Of Surprise We Ourselves Held When  
KANAYA: Dear We Might Just Show Them  
ROSE: Right. Dave, here. This is the most recent garment she's requested of Kanaya.

Rose hands her phone to Dave, who peers at it over his shades.

DAVE: oh shit

He flicks to the left a couple times, paging through different renders, drawings, and angles on the article of clothing.

DAVE: this things bangin hot whats the problem

Karkat scrutinizes the screen, and after a moment's glance begins to laugh uproariously. Rose scrunches up her nose.

ROSE: I really wish you wouldn't say things like that in relation to her.  
DAVE: what why  
ROSE: Well, it might feel invalidating for her given your... gallavanting.  
DAVE: what just because ive acknowledged my primary interest in bonin dudes

He squeezes Karkat around the arms, and despite himself Karkat's eyes glow, for a moment.

DAVE: junes still a great friend even if shes mostly been keeping to herself lately  
DAVE: cmon shes my  
DAVE: fuck i cant say bro or dude anymore  
DAVE: main... ho?

Karkat laughs. Your gorgeous Seer-wife's attention drifts off towards the horizon, and you think you know why. Dave may not be saying it, but the three of you are all thinking the same thing.

KARKAT: NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF YOUR RIDICULOUS HUMAN MEDIA I CONSUME I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOUR OBSESSION WITH '''GENDERS'''.  
KARKAT: THE WOMAN WHO SHOWED UP AT OUR HOUSE TWO DAYS AGO TO PUMP HER FIST ABOUT A NEW OUTFIT WENT ON TO DESCRIBE HERSELF AS "STILL THE SAME" DESPITE CLEARLY DISPLAYING NO SIMILARITIES TO THE WHINGING, DEPRESSED LITTLE FECAL FIESTA YOU'VE ALL BEEN CLEARLY IGNORING FOR THE PAST SWEEP BECAUSE IT MADE YOU 'SAD'.

Karkat breaks free of Dave's hug-grip, throwing his arms up in consternation. Perhaps all _four_ of you are agreed; nobody has any idea what June is going through, or has been going through.

DAVE: ...  
KANAYA: And Yet We All Must Deal Sensitively With The Idea That She Might Embarrass Herself Due To Her Lack Of Delay  
KANAYA: Appropriate Though It May Be  
DAVE: so thats it then  
DAVE: she figured swimsuits out and now shes given you a design shes clearly thought a lot about  
DAVE: are you worried shell latch onto it too hard or what  
DAVE: that shes just gonna smeagol this whole gender shit and not leave any for anybody else  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK.  
DAVE: what the fuck yourself  
DAVE: smeagoling is gender neutral  
DAVE: no but like cmon whats the big deal  
DAVE: i know that she can be a cornball ham sometimes  
DAVE: but she knows what she wants  
DAVE: are we worried shell be like  
DAVE: too happy or something  
ROSE: ...  
KANAYA: ...

The two of you exchange another look. Your wife rotates her legs off of you, imperceptibly tilting her head.

KANAYA: It Was Perhaps Slightly Presumptuous Of Us  
KANAYA: Perhaps I Can Admit Some Degree Of Undue Worry For Her Feelings  
KANAYA: Which May Not Be Truly Merited  
ROSE: I think what my darling spouse is trying to say, is...  
ROSE: You might be right that we  
ROSE: I  
ROSE: Do have a tendency to be a bit overbearing with regards to June's safety.  
ROSE: But I worry!  
DAVE: so get zen motherfucker  
DAVE: do some yoga stretch your shit out

Karkat hollers from ten feet away, facing the other direction.  
KARKAT: BLITZ YOUR DAMN CHAKRAS!  
Dave calls to him over a shoulder.  
DAVE: dude we dont say that anymore get with the program  
The short, black-clad troll whirls around.  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK DO I TOLERATE YOU, MUCH LESS FIND YOUR PROXIMITY SATISFYING?  
DAVE: thats not really my problem motherfucker all i know is that you do  
KARKAT: CHOKE ON MY BULGE, *DUDE*.

Dave gazes somewhere between Rose and yourself, face stoic. His arms do not move from the air where Karkat's shoulders had been.

DAVE: have done before will do again

Rose shades her eyes, barely containing her roiling fit of laughter.

DAVE: my point is  
DAVE: maybe weve been backsliding  
DAVE: doing this disconnected distance shit for too long  
DAVE: and we kinda let it push us away from our friends again  
DAVE: hell ill admit that while i may be demonstrably more rad in a lot of ways i havent been keeping up with people the best  
DAVE: well all figure out the best ways to get june back into our lives and listen to what shes got to say about what she wants  
DAVE: maybe ill even figure out a way to start slipping in some of my old gay jokes but like  
DAVE: sincere this time

But Rose does not stop, ripples of laughter rolling over into a quizzical expression.

ROSE: As though they weren't previously?  
ROSE: On some level?  
DAVE: cmon sis shit  
DAVE: the best part ABOUT being gay is getting to make gay jokes  
DAVE: i mean for chrissakes  
DAVE: it is the year of our me five thousand and three  
DAVE: i know you were doing it first  
DAVE: and im the trendy up and comer in the field of earnest homosexual acknowledgement humor  
DAVE: but truth is  
DAVE: ive just tossed off the shackles to what was gonna be super saiyan ultra dave this whole time  
KARKAT: WHAT IS THIS BIZARRE INSISTENCE WITH BEING ABLE TO TERM IT 'HOMOSEXUALITY'? YOU'VE STARTED CALLING YOURSELF THAT NOW, BUT MAYBE *YOU* **ARE** THE SAME NITWIT I EXCORIATED AND BERATED ALL THOSE SWEEPS AGO.

Dave flexes his biceps, completely covered by his long-sleeved red-and-white baseball tee. But it does succeed in eliciting a laugh from you, and Karkat meanders back over. Dave ruffles his hair.

As the two of them take off skyward again, you stand to stretch, pondering your phone again to examine what you were even worried about in the first place. It is undeniably a cute garment, despite being radically more revealing than anything you yourself would ever wear; a one-piece swimsuit, with a rounded midriff-cut from the left side, a low neckline, short, bodyhugging sleeves, split legs which could be charitably described either as 'tantalizingly' or 'eyebrow-raisingly' short, and swimming in blue and teal tones.

It does, you have to admit, look quite good. And you don't only say that as the seamstress who crafted it.

She will like it.

Your phone buzzes with a text from Jade, and, because it is Jade, another, and another, and two more. You read them, and turn to your wife.

KANAYA: Youll Have To Excuse Me My Love  
KANAYA: Jade Has Requested I Speak With Her With A Prevalence Of Emoticons Indicating Some Degree Of Urgency  
ROSE: Of course. I want to make sure she's not ignored in all this; I'll head back to the caverns?  
KANAYA: I Doubt I Will Tarry Long  
ROSE: You should take all the time you need. Swifer and I won't bring the place down in an afternoon.

Rose stands for an extended smooch. She flies off, and you sigh with contentment at another perfect little moment before setting off for home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know shit about anime, yall, sorry for not putting in a more specific joke for Karkat than 'he loves romcoms'.


	3. The Best Dogs Throw The Best Tea Parties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Harley-Egbert sisters have been having two thoroughly odd weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after [Solstice Of Abundance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19708732/) chapter 6, for readers following both works.

Alright, this has become silly!  
Your name is June Egbert, you're doing a great job at this life shit, you now own, like, 2000% more dresses and one more swimsuit than you did a week ago, and while your depression-fueled break from society required you to mend a lot of fences, you feel like you've been doing a great job of it.  
Well, a great job of doing it for every person but your sister, who you've sorta been holding out on catching up with after your first chat on account of feeling like kind of a jerk. But you'd rather rip that band-aid off, so as you're soaring across the morning sky, just enjoying the newfound feeling of the breeze under your lilting, summery skirt, you whip out your phone, and text her that you'd love to talk. She responds less than a minute later, saying that you can swing by her place any time and she'll have tea ready, so you tell her you're on your way. Why is it always tea, you think, as you stretch your arms wide. You like tea just fine! But maybe, sometimes, you'd rather have your heartfelt, meaningful conversations about gender and the nature of the universe with, like, a steak, or something, or while you're out horseback riding or deep-sea diving.  
But maybe tea and domesticity is just who your friends are, these days, and saving the universe meant they all just want to spend time in the peace and quiet of their own houses. You shrug, and let a warm passing wind launch you towards Jade's side of the Troll kingdom.

A short time later, you touch down, and true to her word you can hear the stovetop kettle singing as you approach your sister's open door. She's standing at the stove as you float in, filling two cups and grabbing some tea biscuits from a cupboard, the gray skirt of her floor-length dress held slightly aloft by wagging tail.

JUNE: jade!!!  
JADE: june!!!! :D :D  
JUNE: you look so great!  
JADE: thaaaanks

You've learned a ton about your sister in the last few years, at least back when you spoke almost daily. She hasn't shot a gun since she was 13, but wants to relearn the muscle memory; she misses the tv shows of her youth enough that she still revisits her childhood bedroom to look at the posters sometimes; and while she didn't inherit your familial allergy to peanuts, she rather dislikes them, and avoids peanut butter or any dish with them in. She prefers pie to cake, especially fruit pie, and once accidentally shut down a military radio beacon near her childhood island with microwave radiation. You don't remember what you told her in return-- probably things about famous actors you liked, card tricks you were trying to learn, piano melodies you've forgotten-- but you're glad you've had time to get to know her.

JADE: you do too!!  
JADE: tell me about your week  
JUNE: ohhh, yknow, there's not much to say!  
JUNE: mostly just the excitement of getting to tell everybody. kanaya made me a few cute dresses and the perfect bathing suit, and i've been taking lots of opportunities to just try every vague idea that goes through my head.  
JUNE: it's mostly gone pretty okay, and i feel like people are being really cool about everything.  
JUNE: shaving your legs sucks, though!  
Your sister laughs uproariously.  
JADE: yes june it absolutely does!  
JADE: its better if you use a real shaving cream instead of barbasol though  
JADE: and go down the leg instead of up so they dont get so pokey...  
JADE: but still theres a reason i havent done it since i was 15....

You feel like you should be taking notes. Good old Jade, always helpful.

JUNE: see, i always figured that was just the dog part of you coming out.

Jade returns with your mugs of tea, cinnamon vanilla black for you-- a great guess on her part, given how often your favorite changes-- and lemon ginseng green for herself. She used to get the worst stomach aches, she told you once, trying to help everybody cope, manage expectations, to fix all the arguments and disagreements, and this was the tea she'd drink to help ease the reflux. You hope she's gotten a chance to focus on herself in all this, even though you know you're probably being managed while you speak.

You splash a little milk in from the carafe in the center of the breakfast table, and sit down. Your sister sticks her tongue out as she plops into her customary spot.

JADE: how would that explain the intervening two years? :p  
JUNE: i don't knowwww  
JUNE: my point is  
You sigh.  
JUNE: my point is i just wanted to swing by!  
JUNE: i could tell i kinda bugged you last week when i was coming out and i talked about...

Jade's chewing on her lip in that way that says she's preparing a lie about her feelings for your benefit. Well, that's not so much a conscious thought, but you've gotten to this point in enough conversations to know that if you cut back on your contrition now, she'll wave it off as no big deal, you'll both laugh about it, and you'll wonder for a few hours how she really felt before shrugging it off and getting back to your life. But isn't now the sort of time where you have to try to make real amends? So you push through it.

JUNE: i said i didn't want to live anymore.  
JADE: june.....  
JUNE: no, lemme finish first.  
JUNE: then it's ok, you can be mad at me.  
JUNE: i know i've always seemed like this really easygoing person...  
JUNE: and i really like that about myself! but i think that also means i was never really good at digging deep into whatever stuff, like, identity, or 'who i was' like you and dave and rose.

Jade shifts in her seat, arms and legs crossed. She's scooted back from the table a bit, white dogears forward and listening intently.

JUNE: but i have to make up for lost time! not just my couple years of moping, but also all that time you and i could have been talking during our session, and i could have been learning so much! about you, about myself!  
JUNE: so, like, this gender shit has obviously been going on for a while! and it just happened to click after ages of being, like, not... words?  
JUNE: but i guess i needed to see it be a real thing before i could relate it to my own life?  
JUNE: and what movie am i supposed to pick up this sort of thing from? ace ventura?? that one with simon pegg about the magazine editor? rocky horror??? no thanks!

Your sister fidgets in her chair, face reading like she's just smelled burning garbage.

JADE: june  
JUNE: but i can really see why you're mad at me!  
JUNE: i know what it's like to feel like everybody's pushing you away...  
JUNE: and i was kind of a totally depressed wreck! but i never came around to the ways i was kind of being a selfish jerk and making all this about me.  
JUNE: i just guess i worried that people wouldn't take me seriously when i came out to them!  
JADE: june!  
JUNE: but maybe it's just because i've got all these new anxieties from having to face up to my--  
JADE: JUNE!!!!  
JUNE: !  
JADE: im sorry june but i think youve got me all wrong!!

Neck hunched, Jade Harley has her fists balled at her sides, smiling sweetly but staring daggers at you. You guess you kinda got carried away!

JADE: i dont think coming out makes you selfish! and while i was for a bit  
JADE: im CERTAINLY not mad at you!  
JADE: (well not for that anyway...)  
JADE: definitely not for a whole week sheesh  
JADE: also cmon identity is definitely much more roses thing than mine  
JADE: or even daves :p  
JADE: i mean i appreciate you stopping by to let me know how much better youre doing  
JADE: because i DID sorta worry about you when you talked about dying.... and  
JADE: honestly  
JADE: before too :/  
JADE: i just thought you might be asking me to keep my distance  
JADE: in your own way

You hold your breath, chest tight as you stare down into your tea. God, when Jade's right, she's right; you may have been too disconnected, lately, but she's still your sister. You have so much you've been wanting to tell her about for so long, the little fun things, the stuff that DOES make life worth living. And now that you're out of that funk you can listen to every little thing she has to say, and hopefully find time for tea as friends and sisters every month, or every week, or every chance you can get.  
Sisters!! You're SISTERS now. And that thought lets you exhale, setting a warm breeze through the whole house. Jade sniffs at it for a moment, eyes half-closed, but she presses on.

JADE: its funny...  
JADE: i guess i was being a bit stuck in my own head too  
JADE: im so used to waiting for everybody to just tell me what they need that i didnt think about how you might not be able to ask for help  
JADE: and yes now you are being a bit self-absorbed but thats to be expected!  
JADE: youve learned this new thing about yourself! and already feel strongly enough about it to tell the world  
JADE: and i am happy for you! i am chuffed to bits!!

In her eyes, a glimmer of excitement finally breaks through her clear annoyance at you, and she pumps her fists a bit.

JADE: but you still have to take other peoples feelings into account when youre up on your cloud nine!!  
JADE: like even right now  
JADE: youre just assuming that youve figured out everything i was mad about!  
JADE: it turns out ive had a really busy week!  
JUNE: oh man im sorryyy.  
JUNE: oh geez, what can i do to make it up to you??  
JADE: you can start with asking how my week was :p

The back of your hand meets your forehead as you chuckle. Your sister is right, you're still getting the hang of this 'living' thing back!

JUNE: how's your week been, dearest sister of mine?  
JADE: welllllll

Jade stands, raising her pointer finger. The light gleams off her glasses, and she sucks down the last of her tea.

JADE: i happened to be feeling down about other times similar stuff to this had happened to me before  
JADE: how i thought my grandpa had killed himself... or  
JADE: that time dave used jacks bec powers to redirect my bullets  
JADE: so he could die and get resurrected as his dreamself  
JADE: but didnt even tell me before he did it D:  
JADE or when that sprite version of me refused to even fight and just bawled about wanting to die :\  
JUNE: oh no!! i'm sure i made that worse...  
JADE: actually  
JADE: dont worry about it!  
JADE: i know it sounds like a lot  
JADE: and it was...  
JADE: but its funny  
JADE: sometimes stuff just... works out!  
JADE: i found somebody to talk to about all of this stuff  
JADE: and it turns out as we got to chatting that we have a bunch in common  
JADE: and it kinda became  
JADE: like  
JADE: a date???  
JUNE: whoa! that's awesome! who with? do i know him?

You're about to probe to hell and back, when there comes a sudden, torrential beating on the door, in two rhythmic patterns of eight. You and Jade lock eyes, both suddenly very confused, until it bursts open.

VRISKA: 8ooty caaaaaaaall!!!!!!!!

Jade's eyes get so huge as her head whips around that you think they might explode. You leap to your feet. Nonplussed, Jade's mouth curls into an embarrassed smile, revealing her prominent front teeth back to the canines.

JADE: june...  
JADE: you know......  
JADE: vriska

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I just realized how much this parallels the conversation with Roxy at the end of the Candy Epilogue. I like that, actually.


	4. I Hope You're Ready For Next Chapter's Obligatory Beach Party Episode Of This Ridiculous Anime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know it's an awful idea to stay in when even Dave can't take it anymore.

JAKE: Dave old chum!!!  
JAKE: Im looking for a companion for a bit of sport later this afternoon!  
JAKE: Its been much too long since ive seen you.  
DAVE: im sorry have we ever even  
DAVE: have we met?  
DAVE: honestly im not even sure who this is  
JAKE: Haha oh dave!  
JAKE: What a jape that is.  
JAKE: Listen just drop by the old earth memorial field in the human kingdom at 1 today.  
JAKE: Well take in some sun and you can decide whether or not you feel like picking up with us!  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: dude what  
DAVE: why would you even text me this of course im not coming  
DAVE:

Dave sits up in the pile of dubiously-clean laundry in which he and Karkat have been nesting for the past three weeks. The windows are all still covered in the thick sheeting Jade grumblingly helped them put up to block out any interference from the planet's continual insistence on a day-night cycle, but even without his shades he could make out the time on his phone: 6:30 AM.

Dave got his first pair of prescription glasses at 16, and had immediately alchemized them with-- what else?-- his Ben Stiller shades, for the raddest set of prescription shades ever to be basically permanently glued to somebody's face. He found reading a much more tolerable act, then-- not because he'd ever had the most trouble with words on screens, with their variable text sizes, but because printed words had simply never come quite into focus the way he expected. Turns out he's mildly farsighted, huh.

He wonders if Karkat is somewhere in Mount Underpants with him, but after a moment's digging is unable to locate his boyfriend. Ever since the mound of Karkat's identical shirts, Dave's new line of unspeakably ironic graphic tees, and both of their socks and underwear had grown large enough to encompass not only the floor of their bedroom but also his bed and Karkat's 'cupe, they'd both just shrugged as they flopped into the vaguely-malodorous heap.

He scratches his ass and makes his way out to the living room, where Karkat-- shoes still on and fully dressed-- is mashing the shit out of the ancient, crumbriddled keyboard attached to his computer.

Apart from the rare crabtop sighting, Dave has never seen Karkat use another computer besides the ancient, bulbous joke of a desktop he'd carried over from childhood or whatever semblance of that trolls have. But he also doesn't see him away from it particularly, either, except for his brief sojourns to slumbertown or to take a leak.

So Dave does what he does best: makes such a spectacle of himself that his friends have no choice but to check on his shit. He announces his presence in the room with an earthy grunt, and-- this detail is crucial, wearing only his cracked-record-print sleeping boxers and sunglasses-- begins to flex and stretch in the middle of the sitting room floor, right in front of the coffee table. He moves from pose to pose (one arm extended, the other in a closed discus position; then both bent over an outstretched front leg; both arms flexed upwards, to display his utterly-nonexistent biceps; legs bowed, arms trying to touch the floor below him and failing utterly) until Karkat has no choice but to cease his key-bludgeoning and turn in his seat.

KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?  
DAVE: being cool as shit  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL THIS 'RAT-IN-MY-UNDERPANTS DANCE' SHIT.  
DAVE: yeah man being cool is not caring what other people think  
KARKAT: OH KISS MY NOOK DAVE STRIDER JESUS FUCK.

Dave keeps stretching. He doesn't have to say it, and he knows Karkat doesn't have to hear it: they haven't cohabitated the pile for a week's worth of nights, and Dave wants to know why people who are professionally wrong on messageboards have been monopolizing more of his cantankerous gray pube of a boyfriend's time than he himself has been allowed to. Plus, he knows that in a prolonged battle of the annoyances, ironic self-affirmations and partial nudity have always given him the upper hand over fools Karkat will hopefully never meet.

He does the runner's stretch, one bent leg, one outstretched; he does the yoga pose with the arms overhead and the bent knees; and, for his coup d'grace, he bends himself backwards, barely planting his hands on the ground in time, and begins to crabwalk in an ever-so-tiny circle, eventually looping close enough for his boyfriend to catch sight of the scratchy, coarse hairs between his stomach and his boxer's elastic.

DAVE: yeah sure bro bring it over here  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN SHOWERED??  
DAVE: uhhhhh  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT SO, YOU MALODOROUS PSEUDOPOD.  
DAVE: look its not like its even mattered  
DAVE: aside from like two weeks ago whens the last time we even got out of the house for more than  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: pizza under cover of darkness

Karkat crosses his arms, screwing up his nose in mock protest at Dave's persistent proximity. But as Dave rights himself-- and smacks his head to jar it full of blood once more-- he relents.

KARKAT: FINE. THIS IS TRUE. WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH THAT?  
DAVE: great  
DAVE: so cmon lets bathe ourselves and at least pretend to be associated with the other meatbags on this planet  
KARKAT: WHY WOULD WE BOTHER WITH THEM?  
DAVE: cmon man im not gonna answer your bullshit right now  
DAVE: fuckin jake of all people just dropped me a text that people are going to do some kind of  
DAVE: he didnt say but it sounded like some kind of sports shit  
DAVE: and jegus help me if i didnt catch myself thinking  
DAVE: 'aw fuck at least ill not die of vitamin d deficiency'  
DAVE: so we should go to that

Karkat mumbles many things, most of them insults at a variety of parties. Dave, as usual, features most prominently among the victims of this tonguelashing, words like NOODLY and DENUDED and COERCIVE and UNFATHOMABLY INDECENT being peppered throughout. In response Dave takes a wide stance, and begins to grapple the nubhorned malcontent.

DAVE: cmon you bridgedwelling weirdo he wants to like  
DAVE: kick a stick or pong a ball or whatever we wont die

Karkat practically shrieks, attempting to spring over Dave as he reaches, but succeeds only in getting a shoe caught in the chokehold and flipping upside-down, with his nose coming to rest precisely between Dave's unclad gams.

DAVE: you thought i was malodorous before well get ready for this

And with the obnoxious ease of someone who can literally fly, Dave does. Karkat flails his free leg, to no avail.

After his shower, Dave sees that most dreaded of messages.  
JAKE: Oh yes!  
JAKE: Bring your swim trunks!


	5. Swinging From The Monkey Bars Of Gender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's music. Ancaps are dunked on. June is in fact discussed, albeit only briefly. Briefs are worn, looks exchanged, tails wagged. On our way to the beach!

As Jade rounds the staircase up to her room at the top floor of her forest home, Vriska stands at the foot of her bed, muttering to herself and refolding the same beach towel in a futile attempt to fit it into a large, floral-print canvas bag. She's wearing her bathing suit-- a bikini with the twisty bit between the cups, though Jade's not sure what those are called; it's blue on one side, black on the other, with her trademark trollsign emblazoned on the latter.

VRISKA: Fuck8ng 8each d8y I swear to j8gus if this weren't the place where ALL--  
Jade floats upstairs and through the doorway, already decked out in a cross-tie bandeau bikini and boardshorts, hole cut for her gently-wafting tail. She kisses Vriska on the cheek, silencing whatever murderous murmur was uttering therefrom. Her arms are full of beachfood, a contribution to the day's meal.

JADE: we should go!  
JADE: id hate to be late for the paaaaaarty!  
JADE: were supposed to meet dave and karkat at their place before we walk over to the park  
VRISKA: You might need to go on ahead!  
VRISKA: I just can't fit this fuck8ng--

Jade waves two casual fingers, and the towel shrinks just enough to barely squeeze into the casing, to Vriska's steaming annoyance. Jade plops her armload on top-- a foil-wrapped satchet with crisp, squared edges, resting atop the sort of cardboard box you'd use to transport a pie-- and hefts the bag over one shoulder.

* * *

Karkat sits in a wooden chair by the front door of his home, legs straddling the wooden back of it. He is shirtless, indeed wearing only a gray, functional pair of swimtrunks, and Dave stands behind him, hands full of a peach-white sunscreen, himself clad in red swimshorts. He applies the handful to Karkat's shoulders, just below the neck, rubbing it diligently into the whole length of his now-grousing, teethgnashed boyfriend's skin and arms.

The door pops open, and who should walk in but Kanaya, herself in a one-piece red-striped swimdress replete with knee-length skirting and full leggings. She's carrying a woven wicker picnic basket. Dave freezes up.

KANAYA: Boys I Do Hate To Rush You However  
She spies Dave's now-resumed activity, shooting him an accusatory eyebrow. Given their adaptations to Alternian conditions, trolls do not need sun protection on Earth C, but Dave doesn't stop as his gaze meets hers.

DAVE: i know what youre about to say  
DAVE: 'dave rose is already at the beach getting the grill started so im barging into your house without knocking because theres like NO WAY youre standing around almost naked slathering karkat in sticky white goop'  
KANAYA: Well Yes But Likewise  
KANAYA: I Am Leaving My Scuttlebuggy Here Such That We Can Walk Together  
KANAYA: Once Vriska And Jade Have Appeared We Can Proceed  
DAVE: oh yeah whats even up with that anyway

Kanaya just shrugs, tongue running under her top lip in self-satisfied silence.

DAVE: see i was gonna spring a new nickname on em for the pair, 'solar eclipse'--  
KANAYA: We Are Expecting Maybe Another Half Dozen Of Our Friends Already There  
KANAYA: But You Are  
KANAYA: Ready  
KANAYA: Yes  
DAVE: oh yeah were good to go

* * *

Dave's eyes don't leave the pavement even as he meanders, listing back and forth in front of the rest of the group. He affects an even more nebbish, nasal tone than usual, channeling Geddy Lee with his typical mumble.

DAVE: todays tom sawyer he gets high on you  
DAVE: the space he invades he gets by on you

Jade slides immediately into the song with him, catching up as she dances along, and when he notices this Dave cracks that signature quarter-smile and begins miming the drum part to his audible beatbox.

Vriska Serket doesn't consider herself much of a jealous person anymore, but she can't help the half-an-eye that follows Jade's arms as she dances along to Dave's beatboxing. She knows that her concerns-- that Jade would duck out on her in a heartbeat if Dave would show just an ounce of interest, take a moment's intiative-- are probably founded more on her prior fears that Terezi would do the same during their time on the meteor than on some real feelings Jade holds, but has to shove down the shame of being upstaged regardless. She turns an ear back to Karkat and Kanaya's conversation.

KARKAT: I HOPE TO FUCK THERE'S SOMETHING MORE TO EAT THERE THAN JUST HUMAN OBLONG MEAT PRODUCTS AND HUMAN GRUBCREAM.  
KANAYA: I Am Certain Rose Can Find Something Even To Your  
KANAYA: Exacting Tastes  
KARKAT: OH, AND I JUST KNOOOW JUNE WILL BE THERE.  
KARKAT: Y'KNOW, IN THE THREE WEEKS SINCE SHE'S COME OUT, SHE HASN'T MISSED ANY EXCUSE TO DROP BY AND BRAG ABOUT SOME NEW TOENAIL POLISH OR VOCAL TECHNIQUE.  
KANAYA: And I Suppose Youd Rather She Merely Stay Inside  
KANAYA: Not Leaving Her Home As You Do  
KANAYA: And As She Has Done For A Preponderance Of Years Prior To Now  
Karkat merely grumbles at this, and Kanaya's hands meet his shoulders sympathetically.

Vriska's attention drifts back to Jade, watching her traipse and bob. Dave's hands flail with drum fills and Jade air-basses the uneven tempo of some approximation of the presolo keyboard part. Despite being fairly sure she has never heard whatever piece is being recreated here, Vriska finds her head bobbing along with the pure energy of her girlfriend and their bleach-blond... friend?

DAVE: did you know that song is a total randian objectivist anthem  
JADE: whaaat??? nooooo  
DAVE: yeah totally  
DAVE: geddy lee was going through like  
DAVE: this terrible cringy ancap phase  
DAVE: thats what all those lyrics about 'how his mind was not for rent not for god or government' were about

 _Wait,_ is _Dave my friend?_ , Vriska thinks. Well, shit; if she's in a relationship with Jade, and that clearly means relating to these people so important to her, so, Vriska supposes, Dave must be her friend.

JADE: oh my godddddd noooooo fuckin whyyy  
JADE: the bassline fuckin rooooocks  
DAVE: well at least there arent any randian objectivists left soooo  
DAVE: we basically won?  
DAVE: unless jane counts  
JADE: :/

 _Alright. Hanging out with my friends Dave and Karkat, and Kanaya. That's not weird at all. That's totally normal._  
She saunters over, looping an arm over the shoulders of each shorter troll with the most generous-looking, gregarious grin she can muster. 

VRISKA: These two, huh?  
VRISKA: Does he just... 8r8k out like this into human music hits when you're at home alone????????  
KARKAT: WELL LET ME TELL YOU, THIS SONG IN PARTICULAR IS CERTAINLY IN HIS HUMAN SCUTTLEBUGGY SPINNING DISCHOUSE AS OF LATE.  
KARKAT: HE HAS, WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT, BEEN EDUCATING ME ON THE FINER POINTS OF THE MODERN 'ALTERNATIVE' HUMAN MUSIC'S DESCENT FROM WHAT HE CALLS 'INDIE POP' AND 'SYNTHPOP'.  
KARKAT: AND SUPPOSEDLY--  
VRISKA: Say wheel!  
VRISKA: We also have wheels why would you not just say wheel!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Anyway, it's sooooooo gr8 just to get out of the damn house for once, finally get to see you two!

Vriska stops him before he can begin rattling off the whole history of the turntable, its relationship to recorded music, and its interaction with synthetic drum beats heralding the rise of sampling technology and modern music recording techniques. Vriska doesn't doubt he could really lead them down that rabbithole, too; she can see his affection for Dave glint in his horrid, buggy little eyeballs even though he'd never, never say it out loud. So much so that he'd listen to every rambling diatribe Dave could spout about music technology and movements through history, closely enough to recite back when nudged or jostled.

KANAYA: So What Have You And Jade Decided To Contribute To The Picnic  
KANAYA: Presuming You Intend To Share That Is  
VRISKA: Pfft, Kanaya! I'm hurt that you'd consider me the sort of person who'd 8low off that sort of community o8ligation!  
VRISKA: Anyway, Jade is 8ringing some lovely marinated zucchini she grew, already chopped up and ready to go on the grill like so!

She holds up the foil packet, gingerly unwrapping a corner: it is, in fact, squash, quartered, soaked in oil, covered in spices. She mushes the foil back down, and proffers the perfect little cardboard box, the sort you'd get at a patisserie or fancy cupcake shop.

VRISKA: Annnnnnnnd she made these cookies! Presuma8ly for those of us who don't want grilled veggies. ::::)  
KANAYA: They Are All In The Shape Of  
KANAYA: Her Own Face  
KARKAT: I KNOW SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND BUT THAT'S FUCKING WEIRD, VRISKA.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY? EDIBLE FACE? IS SHE THAT NARCISSISTIC OR IS SHE TRYING TO MAKE US THIS DEEPLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE?  
VRISKA: I think they're cuuuuuuuute!  
KARKAT: NO SHIT, DOGFUCKER.  
JADE: rarf?

Jade twirls back over, still grinning, stepping with her own rhythm towards the path of the three trolls, and rocks backwards in time on her sandalless feet.

JADE: so daaaaaaaave  
JADE: kaaarkat  
JADE: i knoow i havent been around to yours in a few weeks......  
JADE: howre those plants i left there doing?  
KARKAT: DEAD.  
KARKAT: PRETTY MUCH IMMEDIATELY.  
JADE: what!!  
JADE: but it was  
JADE: what did you DO to them???  
JADE: they were just little succulents!!  
JADE: youre not supposed to be ABLE to kill those!!!  
KARKAT: WE DIDN'T DO SHIT TO THEM.  
KARKAT: HELL, WE ASSUMED THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.  
JADE: dave!? whats your excuse? :p  
DAVE: man dont look at me how would i know what went wrong  
DAVE: with the sad baby ferns you left to rot in our oubliette  
JADE: lemme guess  
JADE: the dirty plates are also stacked to the ceilings and you have to fly over piles of dirty laundry  
DAVE: haha what no  
DAVE: its not like we need a babysitter cmon

Jade puffs up her cheeks and wrinkles her nose like a distemperate chipmunk.  
JADE: dave strider we both know youd starve without my help!!  
KARKAT: WHOA, WHOA! I'D LIKE TO THINK I'M AT LEAST CONTRIBUTING TO HIS STATE OF CONTINUED NOURISHMENT.

Jade sticks out her tongue at this, and Kanaya's shoulders rise in visible agitation. She raises an arm to interrupt, to cleave the fight in three and mediate, but before she can Vriska steps up, reaching out to proffer a hand to Jade. Contact made, she spins her around like she's leading a dance, arm going over her head to turn her forward again and rest on far shoulder. Jade pops her hip to one side and wags her tail.

Karkat and Kanaya's eyes meet. Dave opens his mouth, about to either argue or share his shipname, but Vriska turns her head over her shoulder.  
VRISKA: Yessss, Daaaave. We know you and Karkat can take care of yourselves!  
VRISKA: 8ut you can't 8lame Jade for liking you enough to worry a8out you.

Karkat's eyes go wide, as if to say, _whoever the knobgobbling hamfisted fuck this is, it's as sure as I am a cantankerous shithead not Vriska._

Kanaya can only but shrug.


	6. A Small Summer Convergence, Allegretto

Three trolls and two humans crest the grassy ridge adjoining Old Earth Memorial Field and the oceanside beach. Rose waves, tongs aloft as she tends to the hot coals of a barrel-shaped grill, and Kanaya breaks away from her travel companions to deliver a wet smooch to her wife's cheek.

Vriska throws her arms over her head, almost tossing the canvas bag of towels and food.  
VRISKA: We're heeeeeeeere!

Heads turn. Terezi and Calliope, seated on a red and white gingham blanket, look up from their lunches; Terezi's, a human meat cylinder-- her third, if the discarded bun ends on her plate are any indication-- and Callie's, some unspecifiable and bleeding meat.

Roxy lets the discus fly from his hands just as he peers over. His outfit-- pink shorts and a loose crop top modified out of one of Dave's pirate T-shirts, in this case a cartoon image of a 20s-era-gangster monkey emblazoned with the text 'D-D-DON'T SHOOT!', complete with printed-on curry and pit stains-- complements his heart-framed pink sunglasses and tight-cropped blond hairstyle.  
ROXY: heeeeeeeeeeeey!!

Jake, almost idly, springs into the air, legs flailing up to a horizontal position with his trademark annoying degree of athleticism. He looks like a goddamn deodorant ad: his head tracks to the squad of newcomers, and he nods an affirming nod at the same time one of his hands reaches out to catch the poorly-aimed frisbee about to sail past. He lands gracelessly on one knee-- an impressive feat, for a guy who isn't particularly subject to the rules of gravity-- and stands to mirror Vriska's gesture.

JAKE: You did show!  
JAKE: Capital!

Vriska deposits the foodstuffs on the communal picnic table, right by the grill.  
VRISKA: Seriously? Guitar ca8les?  
KARKAT: I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WOULD TELL YOU THAT.  
Karkat points an accusatory finger at her as they step over the cusp of the sand, descending to meet Terezi and lay out an adjacent blanket.  
KARKAT: WHAT A VIOLATION OF MY TRUST!  
KARKAT: EVEN FOR HER USUAL LEVEL OF SHIT BOUNDARIES TALK ABOUT BEYOND THE PALE.  
VRISKA: More like 8eyond the pail!  
VRISKA: Hahahaha!  
CALLIOPE: (goodness, how lewd!) :U  
KARKAT: WHAT, BUT THAT'S WHAT I JUST--  
TEREZI: 1TS A DOUBL3 3NT3NDR3 YOU DOOFUS  
KARKAT: GOG DAMMIT, TEREZI!  
KARKAT: OF COURSE I REALIZED THAT! I WAS GOING TO FORCE HER TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME LABORIOUSLY.  
KARKAT: THUS HIGHLIGHTING A FACT OF WHICH WE ARE ALL ACUTELY AWARE:  
KARKAT: PUNS ARE THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING LOWEST FORM OF HUMOR.  
KARKAT: LOWER THAN GRUBSTOMPING PERFORMANCE ART NONSENSE.  
KARKAT: LIKE THAT ONE GUY? TROLL GALLAGHER?  
KARKAT: FUCK THAT GUY.  
KARKAT: FIRST TEN ROWS WILL GET WET MY ASS. I COULD REPLICATE THAT WITH JUST A BILGEPIPE AND AN OVERSIZED LUNCH.  
CALLIOPE: that soUnds a fascinatingly bizarre endeavoUr! i'd watch, honestly.

Terezi engulfs the remainder of her human meat cylinder, and slathers her lips in saliva, open-mouthed.

TEREZI: W3LL W1TH TH4T 4PP3T1Z1NG R3M1ND3R 1M GO1NG TO H4SSL3 ROS3 FOR MOR3 GRUB  
VRISKA: Ooooooooh! Get me some too, wouldja? I'm craving a hot dog. ::::)  
KARKAT: AS YOU SO LABORIOUSLY WHINGE ON ABOUT NOW, CONSTANTLY.  
KARKAT: FOR SHIT'S SAKE, DO YOU EVEN HAVE A PERSONALITY ANYMORE, OR DID YOU JUST REPLACE YOUR SELF-ABSORBED MURDERER EDGEFUCK SCHTICK WITH SOME DOPEY-EYED ROMANTIC DRIVEL AS ANOTHER GODDAMNED IRONIC SHIELD?  
VRISKA: Woooooooow. You've spent too long with Dave! I'm just hungry!  
TEREZI: H3H3H3

Terezi cackles in her low, droll way, hefting herself up with her cane and treading over towards the grillpit. Jade and Dave have lingered long enough on the cusp of the field that Kanaya and Rose are faced away from them, affecting nonchalance as they murmur secrets. Rose's own swimdress-- a high-necked, elegant gray armless one of her wife's design, with an orange chiffon below-knee skirt and a ribbon of fearless pink across the bodice-- clashes terribly with Kanaya's, but the iconic couple stoop mutually, engulfed in conspiratorial whispers.

KANAYA: (I Do Not Think It Odd To Consider For The Three Of Them Actually)  
ROSE: (She's coming over for more food!)  
ROSE: (Quiet, quiet!)  
ROSE: Terezi! Ready for your next dog?  
Terezi just nods voraciously.  
TEREZI: OH 4ND 4 COUPL3 FOR VR1SK4 4S W3LL

Kanaya elbows Rose in the ribs, who smirks and slaps her arm away.

ROSE: Perrrrfect.  
TEREZI: >:?

Mercifully, Dave and Jade arrive, still enravelled in their own heated argument.

JADE: IT IS NOT WEIRD!!!!  
DAVE: seriously its pretty weird  
JADE: we can literally create it from atomic components without any injury to animals!  
JADE: to suit anybodys palate at all!  
JADE: and i like to eat it!!!  
DAVE: no all im saying is  
DAVE: if we agree the printed stuff is pretty shitty  
DAVE: why would anybody continue to eat meat when theres literally anything else

He grabs two slices of oatcaked, thickcrusted bread from the tablespread, from one of the freshbaked loaves, Roxy's contribution to the potluck. He coats them with a generous layer of butter, drops thinchopped garlic on top, and tucks them into an untouched corner of the square grilltop, far away from the smoldering coals and animalflesh, before nodding to his sister.

JADE: of course i dont like the thought of hurting animals!  
JADE: i just... at least i can source it locally and meet the pig in question before i eat him  
JADE: whats the harm in that if he gets a nice good life??  
DAVE: well the fact that hes then killed for a start

Dave furrows his brow, turning his attention back to the table. Two fresh tomatoes meet their end at his careful knifework, a lobe of fresh mozzarella, a few sheaves of clean basil. He minces the latter into thin strips, chops the tomatoes into a few slices, makes a thick tray of the wet cheese and layers the three together.

ROSE: I hate to interrupt, but your toast is finished, my contrarian sibling.  
ROSE: Don't want it to smolder.  
DAVE: yeah thatd be the worst

The light glints from Dave's sunglasses. He shrugs his shirtless shoulders, holding out a paper plate, onto which Rose deposits the two perfectly-grilled slices, grillmarks facing up. He carefully places the mozzarella on top, dribbling with the heat, and nudges the tomato slices into perfect alignment. He also grabs three of the Jade-faced cookies and lays them against the lip of the plate.

TEREZI: WH4TS WRONG W1TH 34T1NG O1NKB34ST NOW  
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY KNOW1NG W3 CR34T3D TH1S PL4N3T FOR OUR OWN 4MUS3M3NT 4NYW4Y  
DAVE: see that really bugs me  
DAVE: its such a  
DAVE: dehumanizing?  
TEREZI: >:/  
DAVE: detrollatizing?  
DAVE: take on the whole thing  
DAVE: like what  
DAVE: is the whole universe just here for us to fuck around in as some ultimate moral actors now and everybody else just has to follow our whims  
DAVE: also that reminds me did we ever decide that we cared about why the sprites showed up here  
DAVE: like how troubled should we be about game shit continuing to even exist  
KANAYA: I Dont Follow  
DAVE: arent sprites like  
DAVE: skaias goons why would they be able to leave the game  
KANAYA: By That Logic Are We Not All Skaias  
KANAYA: Goons  
ROSE: Yes, inasmuch as we're all extant constructs of the Medium itself, I think the only conscionable response to our continued existence is a disavowal of 'game shit' as being some sort of marker for relevance to reality.  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: YES?

Karkat has meandered over, to check on what could possibly be holding Dave up. His boyfriend proffers one of the openface sandwiches to him.

DAVE: bruschetta?  
KARKAT: SEE, WHY DO YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT?  
DAVE: like what  
KARKAT: LIKE...  
KARKAT: BROOSH-ETTUH.  
KARKAT: I'M NOT EVEN FROM YOUR PLANET AND I KNOW IT'S  
KARKAT: BRUS-KETTAH.  
Dave just shrugs again.  
DAVE: yeah thats what i said  
DAVE: bruschetta  
KARKAT: OH IN THE NAME OF UNHOLY TROLL SATAN'S MALODOROUS TAINT.

JUNE: sorry i'm late, everybody!

Roxy sees her first, tugging his sunglasses from his face like Dr. Alan Grant spotting a less-digital brachiosaur. He then, somewhat predictably given the blinding sun, shades his eyes, trying to glimpse more than her outline, bold against the early-afternoon light behind her.

Calliope joins him, bracing his shoulders with their claws and squeezing for a moment.

CALLIOPE: goodness!  
CALLIOPE: terezi and i didn't even dress especially for the occasion, then jUne...  
ROXY: she just went all the fuck out, huh  
CALLIOPE: ^u^  
ROXY: hawt

KANAYA: Oh Shit  
KANAYA: She Is  
ROSE: You can say it.  
ROSE: She is, colloquially speaking...  
ROSE: Rocking the shit out of it.

KARKAT: KARKAT VANTAS HAS HIS HANDS IN MANY SINISTER SOUPS.  
DAVE: oh god dammit karkat  
DAVE: weve been watching the venture brothers and karkat has figured out hes basically the monarch  
JUNE: haha, oh karkat!  
JUNE: you're so funny.  
KARKAT: TEREZI, NO!  
TEREZI: 1 GOTT4 G3T 4 GOOD SN1FF!  
KARKAT: I KNOW THAT FACE, ROACHBREATH!  
KARKAT: YOU'RE GOING FOR WAY MORE THAN A WHIFF!  
ROSE: !  
KANAYA: Hup  
TEREZI: OOF!  
TEREZI: R4RRRR  
TEREZI: L3T M3 GOOO!!  
VRISKA: Nice arm8ar, Kanaya!  
ROSE: !!  
KANAYA: I Swear On My Art As A Seamstress  
KANAYA: You Will Never Lick That Garment  
KANAYA: (Waterproof Though It May Be)  
KANAYA: I Would Never Forgive You  
VRISKA: G8d damn, Terezi!  
VRISKA: H8ve some self respect!  
TEREZI: GR4WWRRR

JUNE: whoa!  
DAVE: yep thats a tangle on the floor alright  
DAVE: just my sister in law tacklewrestling our weird friend while  
DAVE: she tries to  
DAVE: tongue your new duds i guess  
DAVE: yeah thats pretty normal  
JUNE: shit!  
JADE: JUUUUUUNE!!!!  
JADE: YOU LOOK SO GOOD AAAAAAA  
JUNE: :D

VRISKA: Niiiiiiiice, Eg8ert!  
VRISKA: Glad you're finally picking up a proper dress sensi8ility.  
VRISKA: You should 8orrow some of my outfits again some time! They'd go well with your 8om8ass longer hair. ::::)  
VRISKA: I told you it'd look good!  
JUNE: do you like it??  
JUNE: i've only been growing it out for so long... but i'm looking forward to it being long enough to play with!  
KARKAT: I...  
KARKAT: I'LL SPARE YOU MY NORMAL BRUTAL HONESTY, JUNE.  
KARKAT: THIS SEEMS LIKE THE SORT OF DAY WHERE YOU JUST DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT.  
KARKAT: SO...  
KARKAT: I LIKE YOUR EARRINGS.  
JUNE: what?  
JUNE: karkat, not blustering and bullshitting me?  
JUNE: did something happen!?  
KARKAT: NO, NO, NO, FUCK!  
KARKAT: I HATE IT WHEN THINGS 'HAPPEN'.  
KARKAT: OCCURRENCES ARE THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF DEATH FOR MOST OF MY FRIENDS.  
JUNE: haha, well thanks!!

DAVE: ...  
DAVE: (is it weird)  
DAVE: (should i find it weird that she is like)  
DAVE: (fucking killing it lately)  
JADE: (not weird at all!!!)  
DAVE: (no but like i dont wanna be rude about her... new swimsuit or anything because i wanna)  
DAVE: (let her 'tell us what she needs us to see')  
DAVE: (and whatever that means for her like future)  
DAVE: (and whatever)  
DAVE: (but)  
JADE: (dave strider if she is anything like me she will be proud of her many home grown melons!!)  
JADE: (dont be shy!)  
JADE: :B  
DAVE: (...)  
DAVE: _(what)_

Dave turns and begins to walk away. Rose raises an eyebrow in Jade's direction, but offers no advice save a smile.

Jade cocks her head to one side.  
JADE: i can do navier-stokes equations and stellar magnetohydrodynamics calculations in my head!  
JADE: why are people so HARD???  
ROSE: I haven't a condemnable clue. Least of all as regards my brother, sadly.  
ROSE: Dare I ask what he's intending to say to her...?  
JADE: oh nothing weird im sure!  
JADE: maybe he thinks she looks cuuute!  
ROSE: I'm going to take that as a compliment to my wife's work and not as a particularly thorny disruption of our social web's precarious and delicately-balanced romantic paradigm.  
JADE: geez rose you need to kiss more girls!  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: My wife is  
ROSE: Right. There.  
KANAYA: I Am Indeed  
KANAYA: Right Here  
JADE: oh hey kanaya!  
JADE: thanks for your help the other day  
KANAYA: Anything In Reciprocation For More Of Your Delectable Scones  
JADE: you could stand to kiss more girls too  
KANAYA: What On Earth C Are You  
KANAYA: Attempting To Imply About My Romantic Life  
KANAYA: And That Of My Matesprit  
JADE: hehehehe  
ROSE: Strong words, Jade, for a woman dating Vriska.

JAKE: Looking spiffy there chum!  
JAKE: (Chums not impolite to say to you eh right?)  
JUNE: huh? oh i dont care, hehe.  
DAVE: oh hey its my awkward gay bros awkward gay bro  
JAKE: Well same to you compadre!  
JAKE: So glad you decided to take me up on this little hootenanny.  
DAVE: christ but youre so fucking parochial  
KARKAT: OH YES.  
KARKAT: AND THANKS *SOOOOOO* MUCH LIKEWISE, JAKE FUCKING ENGLISH.  
KARKAT: INVITING TROLLS OUT FOR A 'FUN DAY IN THE SUN'??  
KARKAT: DO YOU NOT KNOW OUR HISTORY WITH HELLACIOUS FLAMING DEATH BALLS IN THE SKY, OR DID YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE?  
JAKE: Hmmm  
JAKE: Cant rightly well say ive heard!  
JAKE: So youre welcome chum!

Karkat throws up his arms.

JAKE: Juney you old battleaxe.  
JAKE: I think its time we kip on down and hurl ourselves into the drink like lbjs choicest flivver.  
JUNE: what?  
JUNE: battleaxe??  
JAKE: I say indeed aunty june!  
JUNE: ????  
DAVE: oh for the love of me  
DAVE: i think hes asking if we want to go swimming  
JUNE: oh!!  
JUNE: hell yes!  
JUNE: what is the point of a beach party if you're not going to go swimming?

Dave eyes Karkat, who laboriously trudges toward the water's edge. June launches out ahead of him, diving wide-armed and backwards in a great arc, breezing herself into the freeing chill of the ocean waves.

Dave's glance turns meaningful, and he dives sideways, as though riding on some luxurious pachyderm-saddled palanquin through the air to splash like a rock into the sea. Jake follows, cannonballing; Roxy sprints after with a joyous scream, dogpaddling out; Callie jogs toward the water, but reconsiders when seafoam hits the soles of their prim gray shoes. Karkat just walks on in towards neck-depth, arms wafting in idle undulations. He's always been a bit of a floater.

* * *

Sometime later, in the late afternoon glow, a roaring fire fills the seaside pit, drying off everyone who ended up taking a dip. Jade waves her arms in the air, floating off the ground for a better vantage point with which to announce to the crowd.  
JADE: alright everybody!!  
JADE: lets get together for a picture!!!

The whole group chains together, arms in arms and hands at backs, gazing out over the emerald-green sea. Jade extends an arm, thumb and forefinger pinched to float her cellphone camera pointed at the whole group.

JADE: saaaaaay barkbeeeeeeeeeast!

She nods to June, who pincers her own fingers likewise at the other end of the chain. The breeze thrusts in, and swipes the button to take a burst of photos: a chain of nine of their friends, flanked by two sisters in mirrored poses, with grins breezy and sunny alike.


End file.
